Amazonian Love Octagon
by Captain Duckie
Summary: *cursing among other things...* Hermione gets involved with several people. Snape's secret's revealed...(teehee!) This story is cock and bull and is not meant to be taken seriously. May seem serious at first...but trust us, it'll get weird...please R
1. In Her Dreams

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Chapter 1: In Her Dreams

_"Er, would it be alright with you if I kissed you?" Harry said tentatively, his eyes twinkling in the flickering candlelight. She smiled and nodded timidly, knowing this was exactly what she wanted; though desperate not to show it._

Harry leaned in towards her, a smirk playing across his beautiful face. Butterflies began to flutter inside her stomach, as though desperate to escape...

"Hermione! Get up! You're going to miss the bloody train!! What the hell are you doing?!?!"

Hermione rolled over in bed and stretched, groaning. "All right, I'm up, I'm up!" She put aside her thoughts of Harry and took a shower, in preparation for her final return to Hogwarts.

******

She walked down the aisles of the Hogwarts Express, beginning to feel anxious because she hadn't seen any sign of Harry of Ron. Just as she thought that maybe they had cooked up a horrible scheme and gotten themselves expelled, she was nearly scared out of her wits by a familiar voice.

"Oy! Hermione! How's your summer been, then?" It was Ron. She looked up, and saw her red-headed friend sitting next to Harry. She smiled and sighed.

"Okay, and yours?" she said, looking at Harry and moving next to Ron.

"Pretty good," Ron said, moving over to let Hermione in.

"Good," Harry said smiling.

"You didn't get in trouble then?"

"Er, well...a little." Hermione sighed and sat down.

******

"Hagrid!" Harry said as he, Ron, and Hermione embraced Hagrid.

"How've yeh been?"

"Just fine, Hagrid." Hermione smiled against Hagrid's warm body.

"Ah, righ' then 'ermione," Hagrid smiled as they pulled away. "'ow 'bout we 'ead on down, the Sortin's abou' ter start."

Hermione took a seat at the Gryffindor table, across from Harry and Ron. The Great Hall became silent a the Sorting Hat began its new song.

Everyone at the table turned their attention to the hat, listening intently to the song...except Harry.

"Hermione," he whispered, barely loud enough for her to hear.

"What is it, Harry?" she whispered back, just as quiet.

"Hermione, I really need to talk to you," he continued as the Sorting Hat kept singing. Hermione gazed patiently into his eyes. "Hermione, I...er, I've had my eye on you," he looked down at the table, turning pink.

"What do you mean?" she said, although sure she knew.

"Er, that didn't come out right...what I meant was that I like you. I have since fifth year." Hermione blinked, this couldn't be real.

"H-Harry..." she stuttered. Harry turned very red and put his head on the table. 

"I'm sorry to bother you..." he sighed.

"No, Harry...I've felt the same way about you since last year," her heart was doing backflips. The Sorting Hat finished its song.

******

After finishing supper, Hermione said her proper good-byes (especially to Harry) and went up to the girls' dormitories. She changed her clothes and got into bed, wondering what would happen tomorrow, but relieved to know that Harry felt the same way.


	2. Snape's Secret

DISCLAIMER!!! 'Cause we forgot it in the last chapter...WE DON'T OWN ANYTHING WE TALK ABOUT, SO DON'T SUE US!!!! Thank you...erm...

This chapter is a little odd...we thought it was hilarious. The characters were really OOC in this chapter...oh well... Enjoy.

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Chapter 2: Snape's Secret

At breakfast the next day, after a satisfying bowl of Lucky Charms, the class schedules were passed around.

"Son of a bitch!!" Ron shouted, spilling a bit of milk on the table. "We've got double potions first!"

"Shit!" Harry replied, through a mouthful of cereal.

"Damn, I don't fancy seeing Snape this soon. Well, come to think of it, I don't fancy seeing him at all, but..." Hermione trailed off. The three stood up and grabbed their schoolbags, making their way out of the Great Hall.

"Good morning, class," Snape hissed as he closed the dungeon door. Hermione had forgotten how cold the dungeons were. "Today, we shall be discussing the Amazonian Love Potion," Snape went on, with a twisted smile on his face, "the contents of which can only be found in the Amazon. I suggest you take out your scales."

Hermione got hers out, eager to begin. She glanced at Harry, who was rummaging through his bag, bringing out a spare quill, and scrap of parchment, a Sneakoscope...

To Hermione's surprise, the Sneakoscope began to whistle and spin like mad. Snape looked up.

"Potter! What are you doing?" Snape yelled, the corner of his mouth twitching. He snatched the Sneakoscope off the table and strode over to his desk.

Harry set his scale down harder than necessary, glaring at Snape.

******

While chopping her tree root carefully, Hermione nearly jumped out of her skin when a deafening explosion occurred somewhere down the hall. The class jumped, staring at the door. Snape looked furious.

He strode over, opened the door, and ran out, the rest of the class following excitedly. Harry, Ron, and Hermione knew better.

"What do you think you're doing? Get back in that room!" he shouted at the class, but no one came back in. Hermione looked to Harry. He smirked.

"I'm getting it back," he said before standing up and going to Snape's desk. Hermione scolded him mentally, not wanting to get Snape's attention. She saw him open one drawer, close it, and then open the one below it. He stopped, smiled, and pulled out the Sneakoscope. He was about to close it when he stopped and grabbed something else.

"I SAID, GET BACK IN THAT ROOM!" Snape bellowed outside. Harry ran back to the table, the rest of the class filing in after him. "Mr. Humphries! You're going to Filch's office immediately! He will not be pleased!" Snape stopped briefly in the doorway. "Class, you will stay here, and continue making your potions! If I find one single person out of this room, you'll all get detention!" he strode off angrily, dragging a first-year behind.

Hermione looked at the piece of parchment in Harry's hand. "What is that?"

"I dunno..." he flattened it out under the table, as the class worked around them.

"Looks like a letter," Ron whispered. Hermione began to read it silently to herself.

_Severus,_

I am sorry for trashing your room. I may have knocked over an inkbottle, as I found a stain on my ass.

You must be a great professor, I learned a lot last night. I didn't think my leg was supposed to bend that way. I hope we weren't too loud. If the Headmaster were to find out...

I would like to remind you to keep a close watch on Draco, I must know if he's been a naughty boy, like you...

I can't stop thinking of you...I love you with every fiber of my being. I long to see you again.

All my love,

Lucius

Hermione finished, wide-eyed with her mouth hanging open. She reread the letter, unable to comprehend this information. 'Snape...and...Lucius?' she thought, completely bewildered.

"Holy...shit..." Harry said slowly, after what seemed like forever. All of a sudden, Ron turned purple, trying desperately to stifle his laughter.

When class was finally over, Hermione, Ron, and Harry scrambled out of the dungeon as fast as they could. Once out of earshot, they collapsed into a fit of insane giggles. They stumbled up to the common room and Hermione fell onto the couch, still laughing. Next thing she knew, someone fell on her.

"Bloody hell, ouch! Oh, Harry," she said more calmly as she realized who it was. Harry winked at her, and she smiled back at him, butterflies filling her stomach again.

"I can't believe it!!" Ron exclaimed between fits of laughter. "Snape, of all people! Well, I guess we should have known..." They three exploded again, Hermione glad that she was back with her best friends.


	3. The Incident

We're back with another chapter and it's really bad, so if you don't like man-sex, don't read it. What is man-sex, you ask? Oh, you'd be surprised...

ANYWAY...this is disturbing and we wrote it after watching Spy Kids 3-D so our brains we gone. They ran away...don't blame us.

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CHAPTER 3: The Incident

"Oh, damn, I've forgotten my bag!" Harry exclaimed after the laughter had died away. Hermione frowned.

"We'd better go get it before somebody does something to it. Where did you leave it?"

"Snape's classroom."

"You go, I've got to write to Mum a letter."

"I'll come with you, Harry," Hermione said, with intentions of getting closer to him.

"Alright, let's go then." Harry replied shortly, almost awkwardly.

They walked out of the common room and down the corridor to the dungeons.

Before Hermione could say anything, Harry grabbed her hand. Hermione smiled to herself and turned red. Harry looked at her.

"Er, is that okay?"

"Of course, Harry." Hermione blinked.

"Then, er, would it be okay if I kissed you?"

"Anything you want, Harry. Anything." Harry leaned in and gave her a passionate kiss, and she felt herself tingle. (OMG!)

After about a minute (we weren't timing, what're you looking at??) Harry let go and they continued to walk with his arms around her.

When they were very near the Potions door, they heard footsteps. Out of habit, they ducked behind a suit of armor. They looked around the corner to see who was coming.

Lucius Malfoy and his sleek blonde hair were making their way to Snape's door. Harry and Hermione looked at each other and then back to Lucius.

Lucius knocked on the door and was soon answered by Snape. Neither one of them made much noise as Lucius entered the room.

Harry and Hermione immediately crept up to the door and pressed their ears against it.

There was a moment of silence broken by the occasional slurps.

"Enough with the pleasantries, on to business..." Lucius growled.

"But what first?" Snape inquired, timidly,

"Oh, foreplay, my dear..." Hemione could hear the smirk in Lucius's voice.

"Did you bring it?" Snape asked urgently, and Hermione knew something VERY bad was about to happen. She smirked at Harry, and he gave her a smile and a wink in return.

"Of course I did you whore!" Lucius shouted seductively.

"I love it when you call me names!"

"I know, that's why I did it, you dirty, dirty bitch!" Lucius growled. With that, Hermione heard a clatter, a rustle of clothing, and some disturbing sounds. She had a visual of Lucius on top of Snape, completely naked on the desk. She looked to Harry, and his eyes were wide and he was smirking.

They heard many moans, groans, screams, name-calling, whipping, banging, "Ouch!", and a distinct buzzing noise over the next half an hour. When they finally heard more rustling of clothing, they rushed over to their corner again.

Harry and Hermione crouched behind the armor and waited for Lucius to come out.

The door opened and Lucius stepped out, short of breath and his hair barely in his ponytail. His man-bow was crooked. He looked around before leaving the way he came.

Harry looked to Hermione. "I don't think I want my bag now." Hermione took his hand.

"I've got something we can do." she smirked and led Harry down corridors until they reached Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. They smiled at each other, then went inside, Hermione wondering if Harry could live up to her great expectations...

Final comment: O.O


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